Newsgroups: local.devilbunnies Path: news.cs.brandeis.edu!aaron From: aaron@cs.brandeis.edu (Fnord) Subject: Dazed, Confused, Frustrated, and Pissed off Message-ID: Sender: news@news.cs.brandeis.edu (USENET News System) Organization: Brandeis University Distribution: local Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1993 02:01:28 GMT Lines: 217 As the semester draws to a close I am forced to ponder what it is that I learned this semester. I have five classes, so I guess it would make sense to look at each one of them. But why should I do what makes sense? Making sense is often the hardest way of doing something. And making sense is often "making sense" to someone else, which must be done in a way that does not "make sense" to yourself. I wish some people would have make more of an effort to make sense to me through out this semester, but it didn't happen that way. I think I have moved from my original topic. What have I learned this semester? In World Religions I learned that a lot of theologians in spent a lot of time trying to figure out how Christ could be both human and divine, and how God could be Christ, The Father, and The Holy Ghost. I learned that Hinduism is more that just being nice to cows. I learned that we are all at one with the universe. I didn't really learn it and understand it because if I really understood it then I would cease to exist in the cycle of repeated death. Funny, I thought I understood it. Maybe I have to wait until I die to determine if I really understood it. That's a pain, I don't want to wait decades to determine whether I really understand something. Oh well. I also learned about the Buddha, and how all kinds of people have totally trashed the original concepts he was teaching, and perverted his ideas. I really hate it when people do that. What if Jesus was misunderstood too? Wouldn't that be great, all those millions of Christians wouldn't be saved at all then. What if all Jesus really wanted was a ham and cheese sandwich, but the Jews wouldn't let him have one, so he got a little antsy? What if he didn't speak Hebrew or Aramaic, or whatever it was that they were speaking back then, and he was just trying to find out where the bathroom was, and he was made into the Messiah, and then was crucified because he eventually urinated on a statue of Pontius because nobody would tell him where the fucking bathroom was. I realize that I might possible be offending people, but that is life. Some people offend, and other people are offended, and then the next day the people who were offended offend the offenders. Funny how that works. People often lose friends that way. Did you know that the Burmans don't really usually consider people their friends, because of the teaching of impermanence? They figure that if nothing is permanent then how can they be sure that their "friend" will be their friend tomorrow. If someone took that attitude with me, I don't think I would want to be their friend any how. Have you ever wanted to just leave all the people you consider friends and find a whole new completely separate set of friends and start all over? I think it would be difficult, especially at Brandeis, where you are probably friends with the people you are friends with because you don't fit with any other crowd. You would have to change yourself in order to find a new set of friends. I don't know if that is a good thing to do. I guess change from with in oneself is alright, but to change because someone else wants you to change I don't think is a good idea. But back to the first sentence in this paragraph. I was thinking about that last night, and I might have been trying to carry it out when I was trying to avoid some of my friends. I don't know why I would want to find a new group of friends. Maybe it would be to escape all their preconceived notions about me. People seem to form an idea about other people in their mind, and refuse to update it, and then often try to force people to stay in that form. I don't know if I could escape that by finding other friends. It would probably be a never ending cycle of finding new friends to escape those damn molds. And Brandeis is so small that whomever I meet has probably already formed an idea of what I am like simply because they see me in the Boulevard ever day. .....There is also my art class. I wasn't too happy with that class. It claimed to assume no previous drawing experience, but I think that it did. I didn't learn much of anything from it. I suppose that I learned that it is possible to look at an attractive naked women and not get aroused. Not the slightest bit aroused. I guess it is all in the context. This amuses me because I manage to get aroused by the same attractive individual when I see her clothed and sitting in the Boulevard. I have used the word attractive twice now, and it has been bothering me a lot recently what the word means. I suppose in the context above I mean physically attractive, but I know that other people don't find her attractive. What makes her physically attractive to me, I wonder? I wonder if it is better to ask, what makes other people not physically attractive to me? What makes people attractive period? I can think of people whom I consider to be physically attractive, but not an attractive person. Finding one another attractive seems to be what drives relationships. By this is I mean, boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships. I suppose I should include other types, so as not to be branded "hetero-centric," but I don't really care about that since I am looking for a girlfriend and not boyfriend. Clearly finding someone physically attractive isn't enough of a reason to go out with them, but should it be a factor in the decision? I suppose it depends on the type of relationship one is looking for. Maybe I am thinking about this too much. Maybe I should just let my dick talk to me, but I think I did that before and it didn't work. Maybe my problem is that I have no idea what I am looking for. Maybe my problem is that I am the product of nine years of magnet programs? Maybe the magnetic fields scrambled my brain cells...... I didn't learn jack shit in German class. I think I lost German knowledge in that class. I suppose I should be concerned about my final in that class, but I don't fucking care. That class has been a big pain in my ass. It really annoys me because I enjoyed German last year. I could speak it, read it, and understand it. I thought it was really cool. Way better than French. But no, my German experience has to end the same way as my French experience, which me hating my teacher, and being turned off on the whole thing. That makes me mad. It also makes me thing about all the stupid people in the world, and how they should not be allowed to teach foreign languages. In fact they shouldn't be allowed to do much of anything. Take some of the people in my Computer Structures class, for example. Let's start with the idiot who kept asking, "Is this going to be on the final?" I want to hurt him. It really doesn't matter if it is on the final or not, because he doesn't understand it at all. I am not actually sure if I learned anything from the lectures, but I think I got stuff out of the homework from this class. I guess I learned stuff in my other cosi class, but that class drove me up the wall. I can't prove things to save my life, and we had to prove lots of things. I know the material in that class is important, but I am beginning not to care whether or not a certain language can be represented by a Discrete Finite Automata. That class made me feel really dumb, like I was that idiot in my other class who kept asking, "Is this going to be on the final?" My only consolation is to tell myself that everyone else is to stupid to realize that they don't get it. Man do stupid people piss me off. They make me want to kill them to prevent them from wasting my time. But people don't like it when someone kills someone else. It causes them to brand people as anti-social? Well how fucking social is it to waste people's time by being stupid? I suppose that brings us back to how people perceive one another. Just because I think some one is a stupid shit doesn't mean that they any one else sees them as a stupid shit. They could that that person is the most intelligent person they have ever met. Ya know, this whole damn thing isn't going they way I wanted it too. I wanted it to be more personal, but it doesn't seem to be happening. This thing was supposed to allow me to spew my frustrations out, but they don't seem to want to go any where. They seem to like it right here inside of my head. I wish they would leave. I don't know where they came from. I am not overly concerned about my exams, and I don't really have much work to do to prepare for them. Maybe I am frustrated from the realization that most people are really incredibly stupid. I guess it could be the sex thing. But I don't think it is that so much. I think it is because I don't know if I want the sex thing. I do want the sex thing, and I think about it a lot, but I know that I am not ready for the sex thing. As I was telling Scott the other day, it would be helpful to have actually kissed a women before having sex with a woman. This young women sitting at another table totally lost it when I said that. I don't understand why it is so funny. The statement makes sense. Maybe she thought it was funny to think about someone who is 19 never having really kissed any one. At this point many of you are probably thinking, well you've had many opportunities this very semester to alleviate this problem. We'll your probably right, but the fact is I didn't take them. I didn't take them because they didn't appeal to me, and, if I can drive it through my skull that it is possible that I am attractive, I suppose there are probably a lot of opportunities that I didn't even know about. But that doesn't help me one bit. What makes someone worthy of kissing, let alone having sexual intercourse with? Why have my options this semester not appealed to me? I suppose a big factor is I didn't consider them options at the time. They were non-options, because they would have distracted me from my goal. My goal of having the great Twinkie as my girlfriend. This is probably the most important lesson I learned this semester: The Twinkie is a psycho-hose-beast. Most of my ramblings at this point are related to this lesson. What made me want to have her as my girlfriend to begin with? I have no idea. Whatever it was it most certainly helped by Ximena jumping up and down on my head all of the Spring semester telling me to ask the Twinkie out. Telling me that the Twinkie would jump my done sit I didn't. So now I sit here trying to figure out how not to have this disaster happen again. I suppose there is no real way. You just have to pick a women and give it a shot. BUT HOW THE FUCK DO I PICK ONE? I have no idea. People keep telling me that various different people are interested in me. Great. Fine. Wonderful. THAT DOESN'T HELP. Some of them are of the wrong gender. Maybe Ximena is right when she says that I can't be interested in someone after I already know them. That is a big problem. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it simply seems that way because it just happens to be the case that I am not interested in anyone that I currently know. But somehow I doubt that. Playing Rocky didn't help this whole thing at all. I still have no idea how I ended up playing that damn role. I just want to clear this up one more time: she put my hands there. I had no control over it. She also grabbed my ass in IHOP. Ya know, this isn't making my headache any better. I just want to go and randomly shoot people that I see. The problem is I don't have a gun. I suppose I could go running around stabbing people. That wouldn't be nearly as fun though. Maybe I should just curl up in a little ball and cry. But that just fucked things up last time I did that. It wouldn't have happened had Ximena not dragged the Twinkie over. It was because of that that I had to write that stupid letter, which caused me to receive that wonderful phone call, which eventually caused me to write that really wonderful piece of e-mail. Maybe if Ximena had minded her own business then the whole thing would have ended much more sanely. Then again, maybe it wouldn't have. I guess if I really want to I can drag Amy into this mess. It is really her damn fault because she kept nagging me to do that damn raffle last January. Now I'm flunky of this stupid club. I suppose I really ought to figure out what it is that I want really soon, because I am sure that I a lot of these problems will go away then. I still don't see why the women in the Boulevard thought my statement was so funny. She also seemed interested in my underwear and sock load in the drier the night before. Which reminds me, what the fuck happened to my pants!! I will not accept that they simply exploded in a big puff of lint. Maybe they joined that bar of soap that disappeared from my room around this time last year. I bet that women has already formed an idea of who I am and what I am like simply by looking at my laundry and overhearing my conversation. I guess I can't be friends with her now, because I would definitely be heading towards the kind of situation I am trying to avoid. I wonder if she knows what happened to my pants. Maybe she has them. I wonder if I was in anyone's erotic dreams after Rocky Horror on Friday. I guess that would be neat. But it doesn't really help me any. My headache is getting worse. This document still is nothing like I originally intended it to be. That really annoys me. And Neil never told me when he was coming back this weekend. He told other people, he even called other people and told them he was changing his plans, but he never told me. That pisses me off. I hope he doesn't complain about rug-burn when he gets back. -- +-- Heute die Welt, /\ Aaron Greenhouse +-- morgen das Sonnensystem! /<>\ aaron@cs.brandeis.edu | NORD - = Echelon Three = - /____\ GCS d-- p+(---) c++ !l u+ e+ m--- s+/ n-(---) h f+ g-(+++) w+ t@ r- !y