From: st901316@pip.cc.brandeis.edu (Scott Fybush)
Subject: News from Devilbunnia
Date: Fri 4 Oct 1991 00:00:00 GMT
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
October 4, 1991
(TASS)--Daniel ("me") Abraham and Brian ("Flinx") Gray have taken ill
with a mysterious disorder. An Interim Committee, being made up by
Evelyn ("Prez") Handler, John ("Hoser") Hose, and Michael ("Loser")
Dukakis, has been appointed to run the government of Devilbunnia.
The Interim Committee for Public Safety will be issuing a new set
of regulations shortly, designed to ensure continued safety amongst the
populace.
Handler has agreed to assume the position of Declarer. A spokesman
for the Committee, who refused to give his name but bore a startling
resemblance to Prince Charles, said Abraham and Gray had voluntarily
left office.
Few details of Abraham and Gray's illness are available. Both were
reported to be at their summer dachas when the incident occurred.
Neither has yet issued a public statement.
A crowd of Devilbunnians gathered at Fuchsia Square to protest the]
new government. Forces under the leadership of Joe "and the Fish"
McDonald, Interim Director of Public Safety for the Committee, dispersed
the crowd.
One protest leader, who gave his name only as "Stu," was reported
to have addressed the crowd from atop the hood of a blue Volkswagen.
"Stu" was mysteriously not taken into arrest.
In what is believed to be a related development, a man identified
only as "Bebchikov" has asked supporters of the committee to rally
on Monday night.
Long live the October Revolution!
(more details to follow...)
----------
[My apologies for the delay in making this available. As you are all aware,
our connections to the outside world have been down of late. As a result,
I have had difficulty getting this newsfeed. I believe the problem has now
been corrected. Assuming the instability in Devilbunnia does not get any
worse, these updates should become semi-regular. Thank you for your
patience. ----Figbush]
DEVILBUNNIA, October 9 (TASS)--The political instability in Devilbunnia
has intensified over the weekend. The conflict that began with the overthrow
of the existing leadership by a three-person executive committee of
Evelyn "Porky" Handler, John "Who?" Hose, and Michael "Tsongas" Dukakis
has developed into a rivalry between two parties.
Handler's reign as Acting Declarer ended late Sunday night. Appearing at
a press conference, Hnadler acknowledged her lack of a strong base of power.
She then boarded a plane and left the country. Her whereabouts remained
unknown until late Monday afternoon, when she reappeared in Iowa as a
candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination. Political analysts
say this represents an admission by Handler of her low political standing.
With Handler gone, two candidates appeared likely rivals for the
Declarer post. One candidate, who is known by a variety of names, inluding
"Jailbait" and "Sexpot," was among the loyalists who were said to have taken
ill last week at the start of the coup. Emerging from hiding, she procliamed
her takeover of the Devilbunnian leadership before a crowd of several
hundred thousand gathered in Fuchsia Square. Proclaiming an era of "good
grammar for all us peoples," she asked for popular consent to her leaderhip.
That consent was not forthcoming, however, as an opposition leader known
as "Lucifer" restated his claim to power. That claim was taken up by a
number of opposition figures. Constitutional experts here say "Sexpot"
cannot legally take the throne, thanks to a prohibition against multiple
terms of office. The Devilbunnian Supreme Court was unable to provide a
definitive ruling, however, since the confirmation of its newest member
was further delayed by rumors that the nominee was not a "Star Trek" fan.
Those rumors forced the Devilbunnian Senate to delay the vote on the nominee
for another week while the charges are studied.
Meanwhile, the Lucifer-Sexpot rivalry appears to have taken a violent
turn. A number of major political figures here have been killed over the
weekend. The wave of assassinations culminated last night with the dramatic
dinnertime shooting of Head Doofus Jesse I. Jesse I was shot from behind
by an unidentified assailant. The assailant promptly fled the Royal
Boulevard Dining Chambers, shouting "Long Live Art Fleming!" Jerry "Hoover"
Cohen, lead assassination specialist at the Devilbunnia Bureau of
Investigation, says he doesn't think the assailant acted alone, but
[The transmission was abruptly cut off there. It resumed again several
minutes later, as follows ---Figbush]
never slept with Marilyn Monroe," said Cohen.
The identity of the other assassin is not yet known. The wave of violence
appeared to be connected to a series of loud explosions that rocked a tall
government building in downtown Devilbunnia Friday afternoon. The
explosions, which were believed to have been set, forced the evacuation of
the 26-story structure.
Both Devilbunnian Declaratorial challengers are expected to hold rallies
tonight. Police here said they expected "a couple dozen crullers, some of
those cream-filled ones, a few glazed...oh, wait, you're not the donut guy?"
Police then refused to say how many people they expected at the rallies.
-30-
[Well, that's the latest. I have just received a phone call from my source
at the Devilbunnian Institute of Technology. She says that if the
Internet connections there are not cut, she will send more news tomorrow.
I will post it here as soon as it arrives. ---Figbush;)]
----------
DEVILBUNNIA, Oct. 11 (TASS)---The situation in devilbunnia remains tense
this morning. What appeared two days ago to be a conflict between the
Jailbait/Sexpot People's Radical Libertarian Socialist Know-Nothing
Federated Organization and the Luciferian Free Party has degenerated into
a situation that one observer describes as "more 1-person parties than
Italy."
In addition to the Sexpot and Lucifer claims to power, a claim has arisen
to the heretofore vacant post of Anti-Declarer. Saying, "I have nothing
to say," the new Anti-Declarer removed herself from public view.
Also, a woman known by a variety of names, including "Murph" has announced
her claim to the title of Princess of Devilbunnia. The Devilbunnian ruling
family died in a tragic shooting in 1914. Historians now believe it was
in fact _that_ shooting that triggered World War One.
Shootings have been rampant in Devilbunnia. The man believed to be
responsible for the death of Head Doofus Jesse I was himself shot from
behind in the town square of Rabbville yesterday. Authorities have seized
a man identified as "Neil" in connection with that shooting. Jerry "Hoover"
Cohen, head conspiracy theorist for the Devilbunnian Bureau of Investigation,
says he believes "Neil" did not act alone. He says there was a second
gunman involves, and pledges to discuss the matter incessantly for the
next 25 years or so.
The new Princess of Devilbunnia is reported to have connections to the
Devilbunnian press. It is not known whether she is connected to the
brief disappearance Tuesday evening of the news director at Radio Free
Devilbunnia. The station signed off in the middle of its evening newscast,
then reappeared moments later. The news director reappeared shortly
afterwards. Analysts say political instability has made control of the
station a prime target for the competing factions.
Meanwhile, all semblance of political stability, good grammar, and taste
seems to have vanished from the streets of Devilbunnia. Rumors hinting
at the appearance of a shady, but large, figure known as "Cuz" in the Hall
of Education have been rampant in the capital. Leading analysts here
dismiss that speculation. One points to the fact that "Cuz" has not
appeared in the Halls of Education since arriving here. Scientists are
investigating the matter.
In an unrelated
development, Liz Taylor and her eighth husband arrived in the capital early
this morning on their honeymoon. The new Mr. Taylor explained the choice
of destinations.
"Who the hell would think to look for us here. I mean, who gives a
flying (deleted) about some place called "devilbunnies," anyway? What
a (deleted) joke!"
He was promptly shot in the back with a water pistol.
-30-
[I'll have more early next week---if anyone still cares. Does anyone
still care? Or am I wasting my time? Please tell me. I suspect I'm
wasting my time. I'm such a loser. Nobody likes me. I have no friends
in the whole world. Waaaaaaaaaaahhhh! ---SDF]
----------
[The public has spoken. Votes received here were something like 5-0
in favor of continued devilbunnia news. You win.--SDF]
DEVILBUNNIA, Oct. 15 (TASS)---An unusual calm has settled over
Devilbunnia in the past 72 hours. Since Friday, activity in the streets
of Devilbunnia has ground to a near-halt. Political analysts suspect
this may signal the involvement of the dreaded FMS (Feldberg Management
Squad). One analyst explained that the FMS, which is believed to be
closely allied to ousted leader Evelyn "More Competent than Clarence
Thomas" Handler and fellow coup leaders, tries to stifle public debate
by regulating access to a public forum called "pip."
Analysts say pip and two other forums, "chaos" and "binah," have
been the focal points for coordination of revolutionary activities. If
access to those areas is closed, they say, political dialogue slows
dramatically.
Some underground activity continues, however. Coup supporter
"Bebchikov," who attempted to hold a rally two Monday nights ago in
support of the coup, gave an interview to Radio Free Devilbunnia this
evening. In the taped interview, he denied all wrongdoing, and said
he has gone to New Jersey to serve as political counselor to Richard M.
Nixon. "Bebchikov" also called, perhaps unintentionally, for the
dechartering of the Devilbunnian Senate. Senate spokesperson Larry
"Fuzzy" Bernstein was unavailable for comment.
Rumors in the streets of the capital point to an imminent resumption
of the wave of assassinations that tore through the city in recent weeks.
Organizers of the plot say they expect even more people to die this time.
Joseph "What are we fighting for?" McDonald, director of public safety
for the republic, denied all knowledge of an assassination plot, claiming
he had been at a restaurant all day and had not heard anything. One
witness claims McDonald was at the Main Street Dunkin Donuts. However,
despite a lengthy senate investigation, the evidence remained inconclusive
this evening.
The state newspaper did not publish today. While the paper's
editors blame the failure to print on "computer repairs," insiders say
that the newspaper has been taken over by the FMS and its allies in the
Irving Enclave. Editors denied those charges. The news editor of the
paper, the mysterious "Murph" who has also delared herself princess,
said only, "I went to class today, OK? Leave me alone."
Rumors that both Murph and Cuz attended class on the same day are
apparently false. Professor Erwin Snoozlemeyer, of the Devilbunnian
Institute of Technology, says that if both appeared in the halls of
academia on the same day:
"All hell would break loose. The moon would fall out of its
orbit. Dan Quayle would read. The oceans would dry up. A Democrat would
be elected president. A Brandeis administrator would keep his job more
than a year. My god, the humanity!"
Analysts say such an occurrence is unlikely.
--30---
[You realize that if you'd post more, there might be more to write about.
Get busy, all of you! ---SDF]
----------
[Sorry it's taken so long. And, BTW, sorry for my general absence from
any sort of public activity. See, I was sick. No, actually, I was just
incredibly busy, and will be all week. Ten page paper due today, 25 pager due
November 1, UHIS midterm today, AMST exam Wednesday, Jerry exam next Tuesday,
work Saturday morning, Monday night, and Tuesday night, Larry Grossman
Wednesday night. Just don't expect to see me anywhere but asleep or at work
until, say, November. And now, having established that I DON'T have time to
waste on nonsense...the latest dispatch from Devilbunnia: --SDF]
DEVILBUNNIA, Oct. 21 (UPI)--Chaos in Devilbunnia is growing. The
instability here has created another wave of assassinations. The latest wave
began Sunday, and is thought to be the project of a large group of people, set
primarily on killing one another.
The Devilbunnian Royal Family seems to be strengthening its claim to
power. "Flinx" and "Cookie," two rebel leaders who had been on the sidelines
of power, have been crowned King and Queen respectively. While the posts are
largely ceremonial, observers here say the King and Queen may be able to broker
peace agreements between the warring factions.
Those warring factions have taken on new alliances recently. The
heretofore warring parties of Lucifer and Sexpot seem to have allied. The new
"S&L" party is now unified in its opposition to a force known only as the
"Gestalt."
The identity of the Gestalt is unclear. Sometimes identified with a
"David Louie" and other times with a "David Cooke," and still other times with
a "Dac," the Gestalt speaks of itself in mixed singular and plural. Besides
being at odds with the S&L party, it also has been engaged in a war of words
with the Pedantic Party, led by a man identified as "Bis" or "Bip."
Daily life in the capital has settled into a routine in which the
natives attend the Halls of Education by day and congregate sometimes late into
the evening at cafes with exotic names. One, the "Black Hole," has become a
central gathering place for the new S&L leaders.
Meanwhile, the assassinations continue at a frightening pace.
Authorities say they're investigting the matter, but no solutions are at hand.
[That's the devilbunnian dispatch. The wire also had this item...]
MASON CITY, Iowa, Oct. 21 (UPI)--Residents in this small Iowa city
say they're tired of the latest Democratic presidential candidate. They
say Evelyn Handler is becoming annoying in her ceaseless campaigning.
One resident says Handler shows up on her doorstep every evening
with a large ham and a bucket of lobsters, announcing "a new era in American
dining."
Another complains of the cancellation of the town's traditional
Columbus Day activities last week. "She put up signs on Main Street saying
'Happy No Community Exercises,'" says one man.
Nobody here is quite sure why Handler is campaigning, or why this
town in particular. It is known that Handler walks the streets at night,
muttering "How do I get to Irving? Can someone show me how to get to Irving?"
The identity of Irving is unclear.
Meanwhile, one local merchant is expressing his frustration. He has
had signs printed up which read "Bring back Fritz Mondale. He sure beats this
Handler woman."
The signs are already a sellout.
--30---
[Sad. Very sad. Oh well, you get ousted from Devilbunnia, what do you
expect?--SDF]